how can families created following second marriages learn to function as one? Discussion Question and 2 replies
HEIDI
As the divorce rates and second marriage rates increase, families continuously have to figure out how to function as a blended family. “Change requires adaptation of every family member as roles and functions assume new meaning”(Edelman, Kudzma & Mandle, 2014, p151). When couples get remarried, it does not just affect them it also affects their children. Unfortunately, some ex-spouses make this problematic and dislike the new spouse, which they end up voicing to the children, and then the children end up hating the new step parent. However, some ex-spouses welcome the new spouse, and there are no issues. Not all children are going to like the change, which is why it is essential for the parents to work together to show the child change is ok. The new stepparent needs to understand that the child may not be welcoming or may feel a little uneasy at first but if the stepparent is persistent and shows that they care about the child’s best interest, the child will come around. It is crucial for the whole family to know this is not an overnight process and it is going to take some work. The child still needs to respect the new parent and make them feel welcome even if they are unsure. A marriage is a significant change for all involved, and everyone should be aware of that.
This topic is very familiar to this student. This student has seen a few divorces in her life between both of her parents and herself and has also been exposed to both situations. Thankfully, both of my parents have been welcoming and have been able to work things out, to the point that we all just met in Florida for a family vacation together to Disneyworld for my four-year-old son. One of the ex-spouses has caused drama in our family, and even after almost 20 years, it has not stopped.
Reference
Edelman, C. L., Kudzma, E. C., & Mandle, C. L. (2014). Health Promotion Throughout the Life Span(8th ed.). St. Louis, MO: Mosby
Kara
Dr. Murray Bowen developed the family structural theory and “is based on the assumptions that the human is a product of evolution and that human behavior is significantly regulated by the same natural processes that regulate the behavior of all other living things” (Kerr & Bowen, 1988, p. 2). The family needs to be viewed as a unit because everyone’s growth depends on the family interaction during past and present time. A family unit is made up of many different alternative forms. In 2010 Paul Amato published in The Journal of Marriage and Family, “At the end of the 20th century, 43-46% of marriages were predicted to end in dissolution. Because a small percentage of marriages end in permanent separation rather than divorce, the common belief that about half of all marriages are voluntarily disrupted is a reasonable approximation” (qtd. in DePaulo, 2017, para. 2). These statistics are very high, and the chance of remarriages is very likely. Blended families are becoming more and more common in America.
To make a blended family work there needs to be a stable structure. According to David Mills, a therapist, there are some guidelines he suggests: The new couple is the architect of the stepfamily; the time it takes for children to accept another adult in a parent-like role has been misunderstood; the biological parent should remain entirely in charge of decision-making and limit-setting for the biological children; relationships with the other biological parent should be supported (Gamache, 1994). When a remarriage takes place, both partners need to be aware of any unrealistic expectations and identify obstacles or stressors that may put undue strain on the relationship. The family needs to work together to make group goals, and limits need set from the beginning. Discussions about how the stepparent will discipline the children of his/her partner are critical and essential to ensure boundaries are set and understood. The new couple needs to ensure that they work on their relationship also. Private time for the new couple is vital. There is never a perfect timeline for when the children will accept another adult in a parent like a roll. Dr. Mills suggests “it takes a period of time equal to their age at the time of transition” (Gamache, 1994). If the transition time is during young adulthood to adult the role of the new partner may need to take a different model of the relationship such as a friend, coach or mentor. It is essential for the children’s relationship with the other biological parent to be supported. Learning to communicate is difficult but necessary for forming a stable structural family.
References
DePaulo, B. (2017). What is the divorce rate, really? Is it true that half of all marriages end in divorce? Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-sin…
Gamache, S. (1994). New perspectives on stepfamilies: Step is not a four letter word. Retrieved from http://www.stepfamilies.info/articles/new-perspect…
Kerr, M. E., & Bowen, M. (1988). Family evaluation: Approach to Bowen theory. [Google e-books version]. Retrieved from https://play.google.com/books/reader?
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Heidi
I agree with the student’s sentiments about the increase in not only the divorce rates but also the second marriage rates as well. It has been noted that about 67 percent of the second marriages will often end up in divorce when compared to first marriages where only half of the married couple will end up divorced.
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